Thoughts and Musings

January 2022

She had not felt like a human for some time. She was a stranger in her own house. She holds on to her truth that she did not matter to anyone. The paint and canvas that once provided solace was now just a faded memory of better days gone by. High school students are supposed to look forward to English class, Friday nights lights, proms, not struggling to find the energy to turn off the alarm clock. She reminisced about how things seemed to be better last week, month, year, but her mirror grows more and more dim. The impeding thoughts of self-harm to attempt to create some change creeps closer. No matter the prescription, the scars, the stints in treatment, she seeks after an escape not from a predator but from her own insecure thoughts. She needs relieve. She needs belonging. She needs purpose. She musters up enough strength, enough courage, enough hope to give this day a try. As her feet hit the floor and she picks out another pair of pajama pants she feels the pressure from her step-dad to make it to the bus stop. One more truancy letter and the judge will make the next decision. As the first period bell rings a classmate shows some interest to know how her weekend was and remind her they had not talked much in the last month. Her second period teacher has a print out of all her missing assignments. Rinse and repeat through sixth period. She only comes to school for seventh period. "Maybe 'he' will be in class today?", she asks herself. "He" is a teacher and someone who is able to look through the pain and speak to her heart. He knows things about her that would make others cringe. "He only really cares because he has to", she says under her breath, but she still wants him to just notice that her seat is not empty in the back row. He is talking with another student as she enters the room. She quietly takes her seat. He seems to glance by her during the lecture. Then it suddenly happens. He calls on her to answer a rote question. She knows he knows she is present. At the end of class he makes it a point to ask her to stay for a few minutes after. Her heart begins to beat near the bottom of her throat. Nerves from being so far behind, but also wanting to hear something kind. The class is dismissed and she meanders to the front of the room. "I know I have not been here in a while", she says reluctantly. He nods. "It has just been a rough few weeks" she says as her eyes begin to fill with tears. "I know", he responds softly. His tone cut the tension in the air as her fear of judgment, condescension deflated. He asked her to take a seat. She stumbled to a half-broken portable desk. "Here it comes", she thought. "I have certainly missed seeing you in class. I am curious how you have been", he says with a gaze of concern. "I've been fine", she says dismissively. "Tell me about 'fine'", he continued to pursue. "Well, somehow I was surprisingly able to pull a 'D' in your class last 9 weeks", she said with a half-crocked smile. "That is true, but I am not concerned about your grades. I really want to know how you are." She knew what he meant.

To be continued...